


She Bop

by DentDeLion



Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Comedy, Established Relationship, F/M, Female Runner Five, Runner Five is a ridiculous gremlin, Sam Yao's life is suffering, Sex Toys, but no actual sex weirdly, implied partial nudity, not a hundred percent sure of the timeline but probably somewhere in season two, zombie chases accidentally left turned on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:21:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24193510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DentDeLion/pseuds/DentDeLion
Summary: In which there is actually a completely legitimate and valid reason to send a runner on a mission to an adult toy shop actually!
Relationships: Runner Five/Sam Yao
Comments: 15
Kudos: 47
Collections: cutest zombies run! fics





	She Bop

**Author's Note:**

> ... I have no excuse for this! :D

**[PICKED UP A SPORTS BRA.]**

All right, Runner Five. You're nearly at your destination. This is... well, it's a bit of a weird one, to be honest.

**[PICKED UP A MOBILE PHONE AND A SPORTS BRA.]**

Okay, okay, cut that out, Five. Don't go filling up on sports bras before dinner. Leave some room in your pack for the mission.

**[.... PICKED UP A...]**

Nuh uh uh. Leave it.

**[... PUT DOWN A SPORTS BRA.]**

Good girl. Now, this mission is... bit embarrassing, really, but necessary. As you may have heard through the rumour mill, there's been an outbreak at Abel.

No, not that kind! Sorry! No, nobody's gone grey! Breathe, Five, it's okay. Sorry, sorry Five, didn't mean to scare you. Smaller, less scary, more... annoying kind of outbreak. Turns out the end of the world didn't mean those actually stopped happening.

No, what's going on is, there's been a lot of cases of... well, of the clap.

Oh stop laughing, you. It's not funny! ... Yeah, all right, I know, it's a bit funny. And a bit of a relief compared to the other plague problem. Sorry again. But it's still an issue. Doctor Myers has it mostly under control with antibiotics, but we only have so many of those to go around. Some of the other runners are off to a hospital to try to find some more. But an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, they say, and that's where you come in. And your destination, which should be just ahead and to your left, there.

Yeah, no, I know. But that actually is your destination, Five.

The "A Bite of Aphrodite Adult Emporium and Boutique."

I know, I _know._ But this is actually our best bet to get what we need.

Which is condoms. Lots of them.

The local chemists and other such likely suspects have been picked pretty clean by looters already. But so far as we can tell on the cams, this place is actually pretty untouched. People had other priorities, I guess? Or maybe because it had bars on the windows already pre-apocalypse, which did a decent job of keeping the hordes out. The lock is electronic, and we managed to hack the front door remotely, so you shouldn't have a problem getting in... yeah, good.

Phew. Look at all that.

That's very.

Um.

Well.

Yes.

... Is that mannequin hanging from the ceiling by its...

 _MISSION!_ Right.

So, condoms are your top priority. Try to find some that aren't expired yet, though I know beggars can't be choosers in an apocalypse. Just do the best you can. I think there's... yeah, shelves behind the counter.

**[PICKED UP A BOX OF CONDOMS.]**

Next priority is personal lubricant. Make sure it's water based. Some water based lube will make the condoms more effective and less likely to tear, apparently, but anything oily would degrade the latex. Gloves are good too.

**[PICKED UP SIX BOTTLES OF PERSONAL LUBRICANT. PICKED UP A PACKAGE OF LATEX GLOVES.]**

Maxine also wants you to keep an eye out for other medical supplies, surgical masks and the like. Apparently some of these places stock them for people who have, er, specific fantasies. About doctors. Yeah. 

Surgical masks might be over with the, er, the fancy dress outfits I see over against the wall there. Huh, some of these are more detailed than I would have expected. Say... that's not... is that a replica Huttslayer Princess Leia costume? The gold thing she wore in Return of the Jedi? It looks... surprisingly well crafted. It might even be film quality. I don't suppose... no, no, priorities. 

**[PICKED UP A CARTON OF SURGICAL MASKS AND A BOX OF CONDOMS.]**

All right, yeah, we're already doing pretty well for a day's work. Now, a few other folks, when they heard where you were heading, they had, um, requests. If you have time and space. Now, before I bring those up, Janine wanted me to caution you against picking up any fancy, erm, vibrators this trip. Sorry, Five. But she said, um, lemme read here... "Electrical devices of that nature would not be practical under the current circumstances, due to the shortage of outlets and generator power. Also, since it would be highly unfeasible to bring back enough for every person in Abel who would want one, the temptation would be to share, which is unsanitary and would aggravate the current situation." Also it's nasty. Bleurgh. So, sorry, I see you eyeing that... pink thing with the hummingbird, but it's probably best to leave it alone. 

That said, Maisie, the nice massage therapist who joined up with us recently and took up a part time position as the physio for you runners? She's put in a request for some of the big heavy duty wand massagers. Apparently those things were actually originally designed for, you know, MASSAGE massage, rather than, ah, "personal" massage, and she thinks for a few of you it could work wonders for circulation. Also, she points out that those things are powerful enough that most people don't actually apply them, you know, directly, using them through towels or blankets or on the outside of clothing. So if everyone agreed to that then even if you lot absolutely couldn't resist using them non-medically, it'd be SLIGHTLY less revolting. At least that was how Maisie put it when she convinced Janine. Dunno if we can trust folks' self control on that, honestly. But, well, at least you're picking up condoms. 

**[PICKED UP TWO HEAVY DUTY RECHARGEABLE WAND MASSAGERS.]**

Bloody hell. Those things are a lot bigger than I expected. Like, size of my forearm, each. That may cut short how many of these other requests you can fulfill. Um, lessee. Jody and Janine both asked if you could pick up some books? They left it up to you as to the selection. They said they'd trust your tastes. 

**[PICKED UP A BDSM ROMANCE NOVEL. PICKED UP A BOOK OF ARTISTIC NUDE PHOTOGRAPHY. PICKED UP A PORNOGRAPHIC COMIC. PICKED UP THREE EROTIC POETRY ANTHOLOGY ZINES.]**

Yeah, that should probably cover the bases. Right then. Um, Simon wants, ugh, hang on, he sent a list.... Oh. Oh come on, you are not getting... and that's just not practical... not that either.... He's not even taking this seriously, is he... oh now how in heaven's name does he expect you to even carry a RealDoll?! Okay okay, you know what? *crumple* Into the bin with THAT. Okay, I think you've got most of what you need. There's a few other requests, but you know what, we can get those on another trip. You ran all the way out here, you should get a chance to top off your pack with something for yourself. Go ahead Five. Pick yourself out something nice. 

_WHOA._ Okay, you clearly know what you want. Making a beeline for... is that the lingerie section? 

**[PICKED UP A SILK BRA.]**

... I don't know why I'm even surprised, to be honest. 

**[PICKED UP A LACE BRA.]**

What do you even do with all these? I mean heaven knows we do use them but there's still only so many bosoms in Abel in need of athletic support. Simon's theory is that you sleep on the extras in a big pile like some sort of undergarment hoarding dragon.

**[PICKED UP A SATIN BRA. PICKED UP A LEATHER BRA. PICKED UP A LACE BRA. PICKED UP...]**

Steady on, Five! There is no way you are gonna be able to carry all those home! I'm sorry, but you are just going to have to pick and choose. 

... Where are you... _are you going to the changing room?!_

Five, you are _not_... this is a mission! I am... You are not getting topless! Not that I wouldn't personally... I mean... AND ALSO ZOMBIES! Could come in! Maybe! At any moment! 

Uh....Well. I mean, I suppose you do need to make sure they fit. 

Very... important, a good fit. 

Oh god. Um. Trying to figure out if there's a way to avert my eyes while still keeping watch for threats. 

Yes I know it's nothing I haven't seen Five! And will see again, hopefully. Maybe... tonight? After... but that's not the point! 

What? Oh. The um. The red one, not the blue. Brings out your. Well. Everything. 

The _point_ , Five, is that we're at work and if somebody were to barge into the comms shack right now...

Uh, the black one with the purple spangles is nice. 

Oh. That coppery shimmery thing, definitely. The gauzy bits and the... see through bits, are really...

... Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive. 

You're a monster. And Janine is going to kill us both, and it will be a welcome relief, because I am about to keel over and die right here from... 

Wait. 

Did you hear that? 

I'm serious, I'm picking up something over the microphone. Hang on, I'm switching over to the shop's security cam feed. 

Not seeing anything yet but... Five. Just caught a glimpse of something moving under the door of the changing room stall two down from yours. GET OUT OF THERE. 

_Crap!_ It just burst the door down! It... Oh thank god. I mean, this is still bad, but it looks like that zombie was trying on some potential purchases when he turned. He's a lot less dangerous than he could be, wearing that ball gag and a leg spreader bar. And on a personal note, may I just say, few things kill an inappropriate and embarrassing workplace erection quicker than the sight of a zombie in a gimp suit. Still, even if he's slowed down and would have a hard time taking a bite, his arms are still free and you're in an enclosed space. You do NOT want to let him grab hold of you! 

Try to get that display of bondage racks in the middle of the store between you and him! Get some distance, keep circling until you... 

**[PICKED UP A SHIBARI ROPE SET.]**

FIVE! Now is not the time for more shopping! 

**[PICKED UP A ROLL OF BONDAGE TAPE.]**

Oh... _OH!_ That's my clever girl! Get him! Get him, Five! Wind him up! Now knock his legs out from under, he's already tippy because of the ankle restraints! YES! And you can use those to lash the spreader bar to his... you're very quick at that, have you had practice? Never mind, _never mind._ Good job, Five. Phew. 

Now leave that zombie be, we'll send someone to take care of him later. Poor guy. What a humiliating way to go. Or, maybe not? Actually, hog tied on the floor of a sex shop might have been exactly the way he would have wanted it. Anyway, get your regular sports bra back on. I'm starting to see why you're so fixated on having a good supply laid in. That whole business looked horribly uncomfortable. Mesmerizing, in hindsight, but uncomfortable. Did you bruise anything with all that jostling about? How's your back? Gonna need a session with Maisie? Maybe grab one of those oil bottles from the shelf there. 

**[PICKED UP A BOTTLE OF MASSAGE OIL.]**

Make sure you bag that and tuck it well away from the latex stuff. Okay. I think that is _more_ than enough excitement, of several kinds, for one trip, and a growling zombie on the floor doesn't add much to the ambiance. Grab your pack and let's get you out of there. 

Oh, um, before you do, if you still have room... 

**[PICKED UP A REPLICA RETURN OF THE JEDI PRINCESS LEIA COSTUME.]**

I love you. 

Okay, Let's get you and your acquisitions home. And Five? 

Hurry. 

**[MISSION COMPLETE.]**


End file.
